I find myself blaming God for a lot of things these days. I’m 16 years old and supposed to be out having fun with friends right now. Not sitting cooped up inside, doing school online, and having my sports pushed back for months because of a global pandemic. I sit here silencing my tears because it feels like my life is over. Why would God do this to me?
I have a very unusual family. My brother and I were adopted from Kazakhstan when he was age three and I was a baby. We’re not related by birth. My stepmom is from Chile, my dad’s American, and I have a younger sister. Together, we represent three continents! On top of that, I’m what’s known as a PK, a preacher’s kid.
I sit here silencing my tears because it feels like my life is over. Why would God do this to me?
I grew up in the church. I remember my dad as an pastor intern at New Covenant Church, where some of my best memories occurred. I never complained about going to church: I loved the attention; I loved the people, and I loved my family. But now, 10 years later, I find myself dreading getting out of bed on a Friday morning to go record my dad’s sermon, because the pandemic has shut down our church. Why would God do this?
I went on mission trips to the Dominican Republic in 2016 and 2017. I had already witnessed my coming to faith. But then I stopped going to church. I stopped praying as much. I had a wedge between my relationship with God.
I’ve had to find my faith all again. Ironically, this pandemic has helped me.
This past February I lost a friend named Gina in a car accident. She was driving in heavy rain and wet roads and lost control of her car. She was 18. We weren’t close, but we were close enough that I spent days crying. I cried in the hallways at school and during classes before the COVID lockdown. It was the hardest time of my life because It was the first death that affected me. A few weeks later another person I knew named Simon passed away. I don’t know cause of death because I never wanted to find out. All I know is that it was tragic.
You would think that my grandpa’s death when I was a young girl would affect me more. His death was hard, and not a day goes by I don’t think of him. But why would Jesus take the lives of my friends, who still had their whole lives ahead of them?
I’ve had to find my faith all over again. Ironically, this pandemic has helped me. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I blamed God for it. But Jesus will always give me second chances, and that’s why I love Jesus so much. He will never give up on me. I’ve gone through so much as a young kid, and I rely on him to get me through the rest of my life.
More Faith Stories
I’d been drinking all day long and pulled out into the path of an oncoming vehicle with a with a woman and all of her children packed into this car. They T-boned me and at that moment everything went blank.
One Sunday the music director said the handbell choir needed more members. I thought, “No, I wasn’t ready to get involved.” At the end of the service I found myself volunteering for bell choir!
One Sunday afternoon I was sitting drunk in a bar, and I’m looking around. The only ones in the bar were the bartender, some shady looking guy in the corner, my ex-boyfriend’s mom, and me. I heard this voice in my head say, “What am I doing here?”
This past year I found a black dot on my thumbnail that looked like a pencil point. Nothing much to it. Then it became an abrasion at the end of my nail. My doctor referred me to an orthopedic surgeon who found it to be malignant skin cancer.
At that point I said, “I can’t do this myself. It’s in your hands, God.” That part I remember clearly. It turns out that it was really, really was up to Him (and a good surgeon).
So when drugs and alcohol came around, it was easy for me to say “yes,” because I didn’t have anything in me saying “no” anymore. As I got more involved with drugs, I got into more crime. I started committing violent crimes, selling drugs, abusing drugs ended up back up in prison.